How To Raise Kids: Volume One.

Where’s Volume II?

Before I became a Mom, I thought kids came in tiny little neatly, wrapped packages, with a CD and instructions, insert this disc into your computer, sit back and enjoy! To my surprise, I not only got two tiny packages, but also a heck of a lot of confusion.  It hasn’t stopped yet!

My Mantra.

The many faces of my kids.

I thought little boys were as sweet as honey and little girls were as nice as sugar and spice. That was pretty accurate in the “Baby Orbit.”  Now, their moods change as quickly as a Roadrunner cartoon. And lately Dear Daughter has not only been screamin’, bossin’, and explodin’ while door slammin’, but a whole new sound has emerged, she squeals, yes, she SQUEALS, and I don’t mean with joy, I mean when she’s runnin’ late for school, trying to put on knee socks AFTER she has her skinny jeans on, getting the rat tangles out of her hair, or packing up her 90 pound backpack!!

As for Little Dude, he doesn’t door slam or scream or even screech, he just creeps up behind me breathing through the black mask, doesn’t say a word. Not at all what I had in mind when I first heard him say as a toddler, “Mommy, up pease!”

It’s maddening to say the least, parents always see the devilish smarty pants side of their kids, however Grandparents never see it. They proclaim, “Oh my, I can’t believe how wonderful your kids get along, they are so laid back.”

Yea, Grandma isn’t dodging fireballs and pointed arrows while trying to do fourth grade math homework. We went out to dinner to the local family-feudin’ restaurant tonight, and as soon as we got there, the battle starts with who is gonna perch next to Mom. Next we had the ordering frenzy, what in the hell are kids thinking when they look at the menu? They know the drill, do you want fries with that? We made it through dinner, through the woods to Grandmama’s house and home. Another day, another orbit, another tired Mommy.

Darling Son.